Disclaimer: This is a fake interview. Not real. Fictional. Pretend. Make-believe.
It’s happened again. In another explosive interview with an American progressive Catholic publication, Pope Francis dropped yet another bombshell, sending shock waves throughout the media and the global Church.
Let’s see what the new Pontiff had to say:
National Catholic Inquirer: Thank you, your Holiness, for sitting down with us for this interview.
Pope Francis: Certainly, it’s my pleasure.
NCI: It has been six months since you became Pope. Can you describe for us the feeling you had when you first stepped out on the balcony after your election to the papacy in March?
Pope Francis: Sure. It was quite amazing – a very spiritually intense moment, and very humbling. It was such a joy to see the crowds of people down in St. Peter’s Square encircled by the colonnade almost as a child is wrapped in the arms of his mother…”
NCI: Whoa there, hold on. You just said something – “encircled.” Don’t you mean “squared in?” I believe you were talking about St. Peter’s Square after all, were you not?
Pope Francis: Yes, yes I was. Of course, as you know, the colonnade in St. Peter’s Square forms a circle, so…”
NCI: So you’re saying St. Peter’s Square is actually a circle? So it’s no longer a square? This is a new teaching of the Church then?
Pope Francis: Um, no. It has been a circle for centuries. The word “square” in this context is the English translation of the Italian piazza, which means a central area in a town or city where the community can gather. Historically this central meeting place was in front of the local church. It doesn’t mean “square,” in the sense of a parallelogram with four equal sides and 90 degree angles.
NCI: Now it sounds like you’re trying to explain away what you just said. Maybe you’re putting a conservative spin on what you said? Are you having second thoughts about the new “square circle” dogma?
Pope Francis: What? No! What are you talking about?
NCI: Let’s move on. It must take courage to change centuries of Church teaching. What prompted you to abandon the moralistic approach of your predecessors and declare St. Peter’s Square a circle?
Pope Francis: But I’m not changing Church teaching! I’m not saying anything new at all!
NCI: But you are. This changes everything.
Pope Francis: No, it changes nothing! Anyone with basic depth perception or even access to Google Maps can tell you that.
NCI: That’s just more conservative spin, I think. I clearly heard you say that St. Peter’s Square is now a circle.
Pope Francis: Seriously, I have no idea what you’re talking about. And furthermore, it’s not even a circle. It’s more of an ellipse or an oval shape.
NCI: That sounds like the type of rigid thinking we thought you were getting away from. Is it round or isn’t it?
Pope Francis: It’s somewhat roundish, yes.
NCI: Somewhat roundish. This is revolutionary. Groundbreaking.
Pope Francis: Not really, no. What time is it?
NCI: What can we look forward to next? Women’s ordination? Church-sanctioned gay marriage? Wait, where are you going?…Your Holiness?