Disclaimer: All of the angels and saints quoted below agreed to be interviewed only on the condition of anonymity. We have honored that request. To the extent they reveal their own identity by what they say, we consider that not our problem.
Wow, talk about a rough week for the president.
First, the whole Benghazi cover-up is being dragged more and more into the light each day. Then the news breaks that the IRS is targeting conservative groups. Then, to round out the hat trick of scandals, the Justice Department is secretly listening in on the Associated Press.
Benghazi-gate, IRS-gate, AP-gate. And it’s all hitting at once. It’s like one big Gate-gate.
Welcome to the summer of hell, Mr. President.
Sensing that something pretty powerful must be behind such a perfect storm of presidential scandal, we bypassed our usual informants within the beltway and went straight to our sources in Heaven.
Sure enough, one high-level saint confirmed immediately what the source of President Obama’s troubles was:
“It all started last week. We were in a board meeting at the time [yes, there are board meetings even in Heaven – ed.]. It was God, me, James, and John – you know, the usual suspects. We were going over the purgatory numbers for last quarter and all of a sudden the door bursts open and in flies one of the seraphim. Or maybe cherubim, I don’t know, hard to tell sometimes. Anyway, he’s all out of breath and he’s got a look on his face like Nancy Pelosi just tried to quote Aquinas again. Sheer horror. So God looks at him like, WHAT? The angel tells us:
“At first we were all just dumbstruck. James starts turning a lovely shade of pomegranate as he stares at the terrified messenger like he’s about to tear his wings off. John is at a loss for words, just muttering, ‘Holy…holy…holy, holy, holy.’ I don’t even remember what was going through my head. I don’t recall seeing God leave the room, but he was gone. He does that. You’ll have to ask someone else what happened next.”
So we caught up with another resident of Heaven who told us he may or may not have had a small role in what happened next.
“Yeah, as you know, we angels are messengers of God. Sometimes because of the Annunciation people assume I always bring good news. But that’s not always the case. Right now, for example, I’m about to go tell the President of the United States that his summer is about to get really interesting, and not in a good way. No, I’m not going to appear to him, but I’m gonna make it real clear that he shouldn’t be throwing around “God bless you’s” like that. I mean seriously, to Planned Parenthood?! The biggest abortion provider in the United States? Does he honestly think God would be okay with that? What does he expect? It’s like standing up at a KKK gathering and saying, ‘Hey, great job, the Lord gets a real kick when you put those hoods on!,’ or it’s like addressing an SS rally and saying, ‘That’s fantastic, load more of God’s children into the cattle cars – he loves that!’
“So yeah, now I get to be the messenger who delivers God’s R.S.V.P. to Obama’s little invitation to bless Planned Parenthood. In short, it’s ‘thanks, but no thanks,’ but it’s … going to hurt a little more than that. We figured we would start with a few scandals to expose the depth of Obama’s corruption and insatiable will to power. Just look at history – we do it all the time. Do I enjoy it? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. And categorically I can’t lie, so…yup, I love the smell of the Righteous Fury of God in the morning!”
So there you have it. Maybe the president will learn a lesson: Next time you address an institution of mass murder and ask God to show up, be careful.
He just might.