Why do you hate fruitcake? Why? You need to really be honest with yourself. If you are honest with yourself, you will realize that you should not hate fruitcake.
You should love it.
Besides being more dense, festive, and delicious than any earthly concoction has a right to be, fruitcake is great for so many other reasons.
1. It’s round.
Okay, it’s not always round. But sometimes it is. Round is good. Many great things are round.
2. It’s not round.
Sometimes it’s not round. Sometimes it’s more like a rectangle. Many great things are more like a rectangle.
3. It is made by monks.
Not all fruitcake is made by monks, but some is. And it’s really good. One really good kind is made by the trappist monks in Kentucky. They make cheese, fudge, and fruitcake. That’s pretty good.
These are not trappists:
Neither are these:
These are trappists, making fruitcake:
4. It has bright green cherries.
You don’t find bright green cherries in many places. No places, really. They are somewhat marginalized as a food item, on the “peripheries” of the food world so to speak. Which is why fruitcake is good – it goes out to those places where other foods won’t go, where the bright green cherries are, and brings them back with love and acceptance.
5. It has bright red cherries.
Bright red cherries aren’t quite the lepers that bright green cherries are, but they are pretty weird and don’t get out much. Fruitcake does a fantastic job of bringing these two confectionary rejects together to liven up what would otherwise be a pretty dull-looking project. The result is like a cake with Christmas lights cooked right into it. Who doesn’t want a piece of that?
6. Bad guys hate fruitcake.
This is true. They hate it, so you should love it.
“We should invade those people over there. By the way, I hate fruitcake.”
7. It lasts forever.
This fruitcake came over on the Mayflower.
8. It keeps well in outer space.
Pluto was recently demoted from being classified as a “planet” to being classified as “probably a huge fruitcake but we’re not sure.”
The rest of these aren’t really reasons to stop hating fruitcake, but they kind of are, because they prove that fruitcake makes everything better. History, philosophy, science, literature, movies…everything. If not better, at least more fruitcakey. And that’s better.
“Veni, vidi, fruitcakey.”
“Give me liberty or give me fruitcake.”
“Ich bin ein fruitcake!”
“E = fruitcake.”
“Cogito ergo fruitcake.”
“With malice toward none, with fruitcake toward all.”
“L’etat c’est fruitcake.”
“That’s one small step for cake, one giant leap for fruitcake.”
“That which we call a rose, would be better if it was a fruitcake.”
“Preach the Gospel, and if necessary, use fruitcake.”
“If you like your fruitcake you can keep it.”
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a fruitcake must be in want of a wife.”
“V for fruitcake.”
“Play it again, fruitcake.”
“Early to bed, early to rise, fruitcake fruitcake fruitcake fruitcake.”
“Who am I to judge fruitcake?”